The Cynic V The Anxious Wreck: a war story

From the day Wade was born, I have been waging an internal war about how to manage the competing feelings of wanting to do the best for him, yet not wanting to get sucked in to the heaving pile of guilt-laden extra “stuff” that society makes you feel utterly compelled to do for your child, whether they need it or not.

In the past, I have struggled with anxiety. Snowballing worries and being paralysed by indecision usually topped the list of how it manifested. The great paradoxical irony being that, before I met Mick and had Wade, the consequences of bad decisions were fairly minimal but the anxiety levels were pretty high. There was only me to worry about yet I found it extremely hard to move forward when there was no clear path or there were too many pros and cons to manage. Now, even though there is much more at stake, I find it much easier to manage the anxiety and make clear decisions. The turning point for me came well before Wade though, at the police academy, where I learned that when faced with an unfamiliar situation, you have to make a decision and do SOMETHING. Walking away is not an option because when you are standing there in the blue uniform, everyone is looking to you to fix the problem and even though you might not know the absolute best course of action to take, you have to back yourself and pick one.

It was the greatest lesson I ever learned. Continue reading

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Frames for baby blue.

There is something magical about Wade’s eyes. From the moment he fixed his eyes onto mine, on the day he was born, I have been drowning in those pools of wisdom. He says more with his eyes than he can with gestures and speech. Without a doubt, I love those crystal blue eyes more than anything so I was very worried when at about 9 months old, I noticed that his eyes weren’t tracking together. It would only happen for a second or two but it was there. Luckily Wade’s uncle and aunt who are both optometrists were staying with us not long after it started happening and recommended that we see an ophthalmologist.

We booked in and the ophthalmologist examined his eyes through this binocular type device and identified that he is very long sighted. She explained that when the eyes look long distance they should be at rest but if you are long sighted, they struggle to focus causing eye strain and fatigue which can cause one eye to drop inwards. This is known as Accommodative Esotropia and is quite common with people with Down Syndrome due to the low muscle tone. Low muscle tone is best described as the muscles having to work harder than normal to achieve the same outcome. Like walking in water or walking uphill. It is not the same as muscle strength. Therefore, if you are long sighted and your eye muscles are straining to focus, they work even harder if you have low tone which causes the weaker eye to give up and eventually it can drop inwards permanently if left untreated. This can mean eye surgery or permanent vision impairment. Continue reading